Internal Conflicts

I often have conflicts within myself. This is something I’ve noticed frequently and have made note of from time to time, and it’s something I’ve noticed that others don’t have, or don’t express, quite as much as me.

It’s almost like a ying and yang sort of deal, or a Gemini thing. I’m not a Gemini, however, I find myself relating more to Gemini “stereotypes” more than my own.

I’ve never had a good relationship with my morality and how it relates to other human beings.  In fact, I’ve often questioned if it’s in the right place at all, and if my actions make me a bad person.

When I started my current journal, all the way back in March of 2015, I titled it “Human or Inhuman?” because it was an internal dilemma I was facing constantly at the time. Here’s how I addressed it in the very first entry:

“Human or inhuman? That’s always a question for me. — I’ve made a lot of mistakes. We all do. I lie, act inhuman, question myself, say the wrong things, trust too easily.  — Sometimes I wish I would stop, but the mistakes I’ve made are what make me who I am. Not the way I was raised. I was raised beautifully, and I understand why each of the rules my mom has in place are there. — And yet, I break them. I’m sure she knows. — Alas, that is me.”

Of course, I’m not going to list off every mistake I made to make my fifteen year old me believe that I couldn’t truly be human. You might think that’s an exaggeration, but at the time of writing that entry I had convinced myself that I wasn’t human, that I was inhuman, or, as I put it later on in my journal, a monster. There are so many memories associated with that word that I can’t count, and they’ve all come from myself. I’ve never been called a monster by anyone but myself.

So, how does this tie into the internal conflict? To put it simply, I am a kind person, or, I think of myself as a kind person most of the time. People have assured me that yes, some of my actions may have seemed somewhat asshole-ish, but I’ve never been told that I’m an asshole in a serious manner. This surprises me, and I have a few thoughts on this that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here for obvious reasons. That’s an entry for my journal.

Most of this seems like rambling right now and most of it is, so I’ll get to the point: I am the definition of “opposite,” however, I am the opposite. At the same time that I feel bad for someone, I’ll feel no empathy for them at all. I’ll be defending people and their rights, and then in the middle of the argument my brain will turn around and say, “We’re all going to die in the end why does it matter.” I’ll want to get checked for other mental disorders or mental illnesses but I won’t want to have those other labels on my back. I’ll defend those with a label that applies to me however if the label is being applied to me, I shrink away and try to distance myself from it as far as possible.

Of course, this is all most likely a byproduct of societal conditioning and mental illness, both of which affect my thought patterns. Of course, when i think about it, I can tell myself that no, it isn’t my fault I think this way, however, I still have lapses of thought and judgement where my own sense of thought takes a backseat and is overidden by these intrusive thoughts.

If I’m going to be quite honest, I’m not sure where I was going with this. I had a point but the more I wrote, the more I realized that most of this should be going in my journal. I think I’ll do that. I keep putting it off, I keep running out of spoons, I keep [insert lame excuse here for my procrastination.]

Until next time.


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